I’m Pretty Sure Nordstrom is Just Screwing with Us Now

For those who consider themselves “fashionable” and wear things other than yoga pants and the free shirt that came with that 5K you signed up for 8 years ago but then didn’t actually run because you realized that a “fun run” isn’t actually a thing, something kinda big happened today. 

The Nordstrom Half-Year Sale Arrived. 

Polish off your credit cards ladies, because there are Vince Camuto wedges, Zella leggings, Paige jeans, Kate Spade wallets and all kinds of other stuff the fashion bloggers have been raving about for months on your Instagram feeds and they are now at your fingertips, ready to be snatched up at huge discounts. 

But not so fast. 

Before you put too carried away with things like jeans, cold shoulder tops, white crop pants and gladiator sandals, go ahead and pour yourself a cuppa your favorite beverage and slide on over here next to me because I have a little theory about Nordstrom I want to share with you. 

I’m pretty sure Nordstrom is just screwing with us at this point. 

nordstromHear me out. This whole Fashion Lunacy Train has been just a’chugging down the track for months now, making stops every once in a while that send shock-waves across social media, and dumb-struck shoppers to Nordstrom’s website. Remember the “mom jeans” that included a plastic panel over the knees? They were $95 freaking dollars. Or what about the convertible jeans that you can just whip off like a track suit and suddenly you are walking around in shorts that even Daisy Duke herself would have said were “a bit much.” Or how about the $425 pants that are already “pre-dirtied?” 

Marketing genius. Bravo, Nordstrom. 

So here we are at the Half-Year Sale when the majority of shoppers will be scrolling through the site and filling up their shopping carts with things like ankle boots and tunics and choker necklaces, but the real fun of the Nordstrom sale comes from finding the items that make you nearly shoot coffee out of your nose or drop your phone in the toilet. And since we are all busy people, we’ve gone ahead and found a few of our favorite gems for you so you can feast your eyes on the real treasures of the Nordstrom Half-Year Sale all in one place. 

Rainbow Cat Scratch Fever

As we go into the summer months, it’s important to remember to keep your ankles cool without sacrificing style and these Kick Flare Jeans from TOPSHOT really do a great job of saying, “I give myself manicures with a Sharpie,” but without going overboard. And what’s not to love about a whimsical rainbow cat sweater? The perfect hallucinogenic-induced answer to the somewhat witch-like silhouette of the jeans, Mr. Kitten here is a bargain at only $533. Plus, it’s wool blend! Perfect for those days when the humidity makes your hair AND your sweater smell and look like a sweaty llama. 

Pretty in Pink

Everyone knows pink has been this year’s on-trend hot color, but it’s a little boring to just….wear a pink shirt, don’t you think? Such a yawn. Instead, drop over $400 on these Overdyed Bleach Crop Jeans (yes, that is their actual name) that come with embellishments on the area of the body that every woman wants accentuated with neon geometric shapes — the HIPS. Oh, and there is an applique of a set of lips smoking a cigarette on the back pocket. Hand to God. And since you can never have enough pink, bling out your smartphone with the ultimate pom pom confetti case that will never possibly fit into your overbleached, cigarette-smoking back pocket ever again. It doesn’t protect your phone, but it’s Kate Spade, so it’s totally worth it. 

Baby, I'm Waterproof

This whole outfit comes in at around $160, which is a freaking steal and should be reason enough alone just to snatch it up, but let’s talk about the benefits of having such valuable pieces in your wardrobe. Times are tough, friends. You never know when you might need to camouflage yourself to actually look like a puddle and this jacket is there for you. If you are being chased or attacked during a rainstorm in an urban area, just drop real quick and you’ll be mistaken for an oily puddle and the perpetrator will keep right on perpin’, leaving you unscathed. Paired with these Vinyl Skinny Jeans and you’ll not only be safe, you’ll be dry too. Safety first, ladies. Safety first. 

Mom Boss

Working moms, you get the struggle. You’ve got a big meeting coming up and you need to command authority when you walk in the room. You need to make a statement. Assert your presence. Establish your dominance over the situation. No time for cutesy blazers, trousers or a A-line dress. This is the big time and you need to walk into that room like the Mom Boss that you are. This pinstriped suit jacket actually says “BOSS” right over your boob, so you know for a fact that you will have their attention. Plus, there is a freaking eagle embroidered on the back. And if there’s any question, this $371 cat wearing sunglasses swinging from your purse will tell ’em what’s up. 

Dumpster Chic

If only I had a nickel for every time I have dug through my closet wishing I had a sweater that looked like I had gotten drunk on tequila with my friends and lapsed back into my old habit of “social smoking” and then tried to figure out just how high my pain tolerance was by burning my skin a few dozen times. Not only does this sweater have the cigarette burns that I discovered were super cool in high school, but it’s also frayed around literally every edge. Why would you buy clothes your kids are only going to destroy when you can spend $230 on a sweater they literally can’t make any worse?? Finish this outfit with these ruched crop jeans at $430 for a look that says, “Do I actually have knees? Who can tell!” at school drop-off and you’ll be the talk of the playground!

PRO TIP – The sweater runs small, so size up.

Accessorize, Accessorize

Quick. If you only had $540 to spend on just two accessories, which two would it be? Definitely this monkey tote and Bambi key chain, right? 

I don’t even know what else to say at this point. 

I’m not here to judge. LIES. I’m totally judging.

There are plenty of folks out there with expendable income that they can spend on whatever the heck they want, even if it is a pair of pants with windows or a Bambi keychain that costs more than a car payment. Whatever, dude. You do you. All I’m saying is this…..

Nordstrom is just messing with us, right? 

You can’t tell me there isn’t some 21-year-old intern named Feather sitting in their cubicle right now sipping on their $14 cacao baobab banana chia smoothie who is laughing like a maniac and probably landing themselves a position in marketing because we’ve all been HAD

Well played, Feather. Well played. 

Happy Shopping, friends. 

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5 Responses to I’m Pretty Sure Nordstrom is Just Screwing with Us Now

  1. Tracy May 25, 2017 at 2:06 pm #

    I’m seriously laughing OUT LOUD & making my husband wonder what in the WORLD I’m reading. Thank you for this! I needed a good mid-week hilarity break.

  2. Angela May 25, 2017 at 5:33 pm #

    Awesome!! This is the hardest I’ve laughed in days. I just went to the sale today, wandered around clueless, and left empty handed. Good thing!

  3. Elizabeth May 29, 2017 at 3:57 pm #

    HA! Hahahaha.

    This is hilarious.

    And this article is very well written. I will read more by this author!

  4. sarasolem May 31, 2017 at 12:24 pm #

    I was excited for the sale and then also found myself bewildered at the selection. Loved your take and words to describe it!

  5. Laura May 31, 2017 at 2:00 pm #

    I think I saw that Bambi key chain at Disney in February and thought that $25 was too high a price. Yikes!

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