You may be reading this in line as you wait for the barista to call your name, the light to turn green (That’s not safe, stopitrightnow), or perhaps even in the bathroom. Don’t try to deny it — you know you do it. But either way, this is written to you, from me. Listen, darling. Valentine’s Day is coming. Like, soon. There’s a chance you decided to be super romantic this year and plan some elaborate surprise or splurge on a fancy dinner with roses and Cabernet. Or maybe you’re fixin’ to grab the car keys right now so you can run to the grocery store for a bouquet of carnations and a greeting card. Dearest love of mine, don’t fret. Because I adore you so much, I’ve put together a wish list to help you. No cheesy greeting cards in sight.
What This Mom REALLY Wants for Valentine’s Day
- Sleep – Lots of it. Preferably by myself in a bed with clean sheets that I didn’t wash, on pillows that aren’t stained with anything (breastmilk, drool, snot, you get the picture). I’m talking hours of blissful, restful, uninterrupted, consecutive hours of sleep.
- Silence – Just. Go. Away. Not forever, just for a a few hours. Maybe a day. Whatever. Look, it’s not that I don’t love you, of course I do! It’s just that I can love you — and the kids — a whole helluva lot better when I get a little space from you every now and then so I don’t have to hear constant talking, breathing, walking, chewing, yelling, sneezing, snoring, and what not. A little quiet goes a lonnnnng way, my friend.
- Locks on the Doors – Nobody told me that when I became a mom, I wouldn’t get to relieve myself in privacy for years. YEARS, darling. I want to be able to lock the bathroom door so that at the very least, I don’t have someone up in my grill while I’m trying to change my tampon, okay? And while we’re on the subject of locks, I would love to get one on our bedroom door because……
- Sex – Wait. You know, as soon as I wrote that I thought “Nah, never mind. Sleep sounds better.” Let’s stick with sleep. But I still want the lock so the kids don’t barge in and wake me up. K, thanks.
- Someone to Do Something, ANYTHING – It is so freaking sexy when our beloved turns into one of those “Hey Girl” Ryan Gosling memes and pulls out the “Hey honey, you just take this glass of wine and relax. I’ll do the dishes.” ME-OW. Diaper changes, dinner, cleaning, laundry, toilet scrubbing. WHATEVER. Keep it up for longer than the 24 hours on February 14th and you might just find yourself getting ready to have another kid. (See #4)
- Leggings – Because pants are leg prisons and we’re over it. Collectively, all of us. Think of it this way — no buttons or zippers to deal with for #4.
- Netflix – I want my own profile and I want it to be covered with the stuff I want to watch and free of all things Paw Patrol, Mia and Me or Marvel: Agents of Shield. Give me snacks and control over the remote and you’ve got yourself a winning combination.
- HOT Coffee – This is like the Holy Grail of motherhood. To start Valentine’s Day with solid sleep followed by hot coffee sounds divine.
- Dinner – Made by someone else. Served by someone else. Consumed hot and without bargaining, battles or tears. Cleaned up by someone else.
- The Perfect Bra – Remember how I said that hot coffee was the Holy Grail of motherhood? I take that back. It’s this. I want a bra that is so comfortable I can wear it all day without needed to whip it off at the first possible opportunity, but is still cute enough to make me feel pretty….but not too pretty so you think that by wearing it I am implying I’m in the mood for sex. Let’s not get crazy.
- A Massage – JUST a massage.
- My Pre-Baby Bladder Control – Look, I get that not all women have this problem and that it’s not exactly something you can wrap up and present to me for this holiday, but I’m just laying down some truth bombs here. I really REALLY want to stop peeing my pants all the time. Why should I have to do weird secret muscle clenching exercises while I watch Netflix just so that I don’t wet myself when I laugh at the jokes? Can anyone give me one good reason why I should have to blow my hard-earned haircut and brow wax money on a crazy contraption to put up inside myself that links to an app on my phone so I can “train my pelvic floor?” YES. This is a thing. Thanks, Gwyneth Paltrow. I’m a simple girl and I just want to be able to sneeze without having to contort my body into a position that resembles a human pretzel! So, yeah. You know what would make me feel sexy this Valentine’s Day? To stop peeing my pants.
- A Break – Hands down, the most romantic gesture you could make this Valentine’s Day, dearest. I need. A. Break. Like, a real break, not a lunch break. I need to be able to push pause and do something that feeds my soul, relaxes my mind and recharges my batteries. Or, I just need to go get drunk with my friends. I need you to book my hotel room, get my suitcase out of the basement, call the Lyft to pick me up, and push me out the door.
Now don’t go returning those earrings you got me or anything, that’s not what I’m saying. My point is that motherhood kind of…..adjusts our expectations. Our priorities change and suddenly we are all about meeting all the needs of all the people for what feels like all of the time. It’s a whole lot of giving over and over again. And we love to do it! But this Valentine’s Day, what this mama is really looking for to make her feel special can’t be found in any department at the grocery store.
Unless you’re by the candy aisle, in which case grab some of those dark chocolate Dove Promises ‘cuz those will go perfectly with my Cabernet and Netflix in my locked hotel room by myself.