I Lost the Girl I Used to Be

The other night, we had dinner with a group of friends. My husband was driving and we were blocks from home, but I had one too many. Okay, more than one too many.

I didn’t get sick, I didn’t have a hangover, so I guess by Milwaukee standards, I was fine….

But really, I was not fine.

I was emotional.

Self Care

Once we got home, insecurities bubbled to the surface, and my poor husband had to deal with them. (By the way, he dealt with them like a pro, so if anyone’s husband wants tips, look him up.)

I rambled, and I tripped over my words. The verbal vomit came faster than I think either of us could really keep up with.

What it all boiled down to, however, was this:

Most days, I cannot for the life of me, see the girl I used to be.

And you know what the sad thing is? For all the loathing and self-doubt I experienced pre-kids, I’m realizing now that that girl was pretty freaking phenomenal. I know why my husband fell in love with that girl.

But she’s gone, and he’s left with this perpetually exhausted, touched-out, hot mess shell of who she used to be.

He doesn’t get my A- game.

In fact, I’m not even sure I have an A-game anymore. These days, I think he’s lucky if he gets my C-game.

And that’s not fair. To either of us.

I want to be beautiful, not just for my husband, not even for my kids, but for myself. Is that selfish?

He is unwavering in his love and support and our relationship remains strong. Still, I want better for us. I want him to have the girl he married. Selfishly, I want to have that sparkle again. I want to be capable of wonderful conversations. I’m sick of feeling guilty when I spend time or energy on myself.

I need Me back.

I know this is just a season of life. Well-meaning strangers remind me daily that “they grow up so fast,” and I know the time will finally come when I can take a shower every day and wear clothes without someone else’s bodily fluids on them.  

But I’m sick of waiting. It’s time for me to reclaim myself, and I’m inviting you to reclaim yourself right along with me. We deserve to be taken care of, and that starts with ourselves.

Share your self-care moments using the hashtag #mkembselfcare. Maybe if we all put taking care of ourselves out there, we’ll do it more, and other moms will be comfortable taking care of themselves too.

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4 Responses to I Lost the Girl I Used to Be

  1. Lost Mom January 17, 2017 at 3:07 pm #

    Oh my gosh, I honestly am not alone!! It’s so good to read this not because you lost the girl you used to be, but because I have too.

    I became a teen mom at 17 and shortly after had my second at 20 years old. Have been with my boyfriend for 9 years and kids have changed my life so much.

    I find that the daily struggles and repeated cycle of getting up, getting everyone ready, making sure all are fed, showered, dressed, drop off at daycare, get to work on time, work a full day, come home cook, clean, homework, laundry…the list goes on and on. Only to repeat the cycle for the next 5 business days in the week.

    It takes a toll, its exhausting, its like I am a human robot. No time to do my hair, don’t even bother with the makeup or looking nice, just want to be as comfortable as possible, but that’s just it, I’ve had no energy to be that cool, fun, energetic, down to do anything girl.

    I guess I’ve kind of accepted that this is my life but at the same time it doesn’t have to be, it’s taking some time but I hope I can find a balance soon.

    • Kate
      Kate September 11, 2017 at 8:24 pm #

      Did you find it yet? I’m still working on it, but I have hope we’ll get there 🙂

  2. Erica September 11, 2017 at 8:15 pm #

    I love this and it is so important! One of the best things I did for me was join an organization where i have to meet on a regular basis and commit. My husband and I worked it out so I get choir once a week and he gets archery range time once a week. Both commitments are easy just an hour and after bedtime but it’s been so great for us and our marriage. I know when I’m at choir I can just be Erica, not mom, not wife, not daughter just me and same for him. And choir has always been a passion of mine also what I used to teach before I stayed home so I’m reconnecting with that pre marriage/pre mom self. Plus it gives us something other then work or kids to talk about. Do we always make it each week..nope flexibility is important but because we committed it works and I love that my oldest sees me prep a bit and say is it choir night mom? I hope that when they are older they can see me model being a part of a community and doing things with friends just like I hope they do when they grow up. Like you said it’s healthy for them to see that you can be yourself and do things for others.

    • Kate
      Kate September 11, 2017 at 8:24 pm #

      Thank you! I’m slowly getting myself back. It’s easy to give up your life when you have the lives of others to think of, but my kids are better off when I’m me 🙂

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