It’s that season. There are fall sports, school, work, weather changes, and the holidays coming up, and the kids coming home with letters announcing the presence of lice and other pestilences. As the seasons shift, the dreaded cold is bound to hit your family. Kids end up missing school and even you may end up getting sick and needing to slow things down a bit. But above all, it’s important to remember your husband during this epic season. For he, ladies, will get the Man Cold.
For those of you who are in the honeymoon stage, the Man Cold may not have hit as hard just yet. I’m not quite sure what the scientific reasoning is behind this, but my own experience leads me to believe that marital empathy takes a sharp decline after the two year mark. In those blissful honeymoon years, you look at your husband and feel that need to take care of him, to help him, and to nurture his needs. Since you still have all those endearing qualities, it’s not you to whom I speak. Enjoy this beautiful time, with my blessing.
I’m speaking to the wives who may have, over the years, lost that empathetic touch just a wee bit. Those wives who are a bit more rough around the edges, who have done school drop-off, made lunches, run the errands, led the scout troop, closed the deal, and more all while struggling to breathe, hoping the Advil will kick in, and using baby wipes to scrub away dried snot. Those wives who may have forgotten that the Man Cold is the ultimate plague that will inevitable hit your house.
So, here we go. Let’s get through this together, shall we?
5 Steps to Surviving the Man Cold
Prep the House
First, when your husband starts to show signs of the sniffles, body aches, or sneezes, make sure to prep the house. Wash the sheets, get out the extra comforter, buy the tissues with the aloe in it. FOR THE LOVE, do not get the cheap tissues or his nose will be rubbed raw within seconds. Seconds, I tell you! Bust out out the guest pillows and be sure to fluff those suckers before you place them just so behind his back in order to achieve the perfect lounging angle to achieve both open breathing passages and a direct view of Sportscenter. Remember, he is suffering a fate worse than death right now and needs to be able to lay around all day in bed, remote control in hand, with the aloe-filled tissue within arms reach.
Check Your Attitude
Secondly, when the Man Cold strikes, it is crucial you maintain your sunny disposition. Do NOT for one second roll your eyes or stare at him blankly as he coughs to the brink of death. Ladies, he does not feel well. His incessant whining is only because he is too weak to form words. The socks you keep finding everywhere are a cry for help. His body is desperately trying to show the world how sick it is. Instead, rub his back, apply cold compresses, and make sure you provide fluids for him. There is nothing worse than feeling like you’re LITERALLY going to die and having another human walk past you without caring. Show him you care.
Speaking of fluids, make the soup. It’s been proven chicken soup can help shorten the lengths of colds, and you want to make sure your husband has the best possible medicine around to help him. His throat is coated with razor blades! When he declines the soup you’ve been working all day over, don’t be upset. It’s not his fault he can’t eat anything while he’s sick. Plus, you probably didn’t make it the way his mother used to. Chuck it down the garbage disposal, bust out the star noodles and start over. With. Love. And smiles. After all, your cheery attitude is the best medicine for the love of your life. Speaking of medicine, make sure to run to the drugstore for medicine. ALL the medicine. You’ll want to keep a steady stock nearby in case he changes his mind and wants to take something different that will save his life. Whatever you do, do not think for one second you should call the doctor! Even though you think the doctor will be able to help, considering they spent most of their life studying how to make sick people better, your husband knows his body and he will determine if a visit is needed.
Let Him Rest
Third, and I know this is a hard one, but if he is sleeping and has taken up the whole bed with his poor, tired body, make sure the house is absolutely silent so he can get the best rest possible. Remember, he has the Man Cold and cannot help that he missed the wastebasket with his tissues, or that he needs three different types of fluids and can’t return the cups to the sink. He needs help. Forcing him to sleep on just one side of the bed would be pretty selfish, so just take your pillow and the spit-up covered baby blanket that you found while you were cleaning the laundry room and sleep on the couch. After all, the weakness you may feel in your muscles can’t possibly be a cold coming on. It’s just the tiredness you feel from caring for your husband all day.
Mind the Children
Fourth, the children. Ah, the children. It’s so hard to see them so worried about their father. Now is the time show them you are super mom! You are the hero of the household. Ignore your fever of 102.1, because let’s face it, your husband’s fever of 99.9 hurts him more—because DNA. Make sure they are quiet at all times. Take your kids to soccer, and don’t leave the baby at home. Your husband is much too busy trying to get better and having a child around him will only prolong the Man Cold. Take all the kids, grab the box of snacks, pack extra jackets, shovel them in the car, and stand outside in the cold and wind while your kid cries about going to said practice. You are building character. The cold weather? Well, it will only help cool your body’s fever down.
Lastly, when you wake up in the morning, make sure to ignore your stuffy nose and the hoarse cough you’ve developed overnight. Go upstairs, check on the love of your life, and ask him what he needs. Tea? Maybe some soup? Prep these items for him before you get the kids out of the house and run off to work. Make sure to tell him multiple times where he can find the soup, tea, and medicine. Fluff his pillow. Help him get up so he can go to the bathroom. Give him a sweet kiss on the forehead. Whatever you do, before you rush out of the house with two different shoes on, remember to tell him you love him and make sure to have him text you updates on his Man Cold while you’re at work. Grab the extra box of tissues as you head out the door, because you’re gonna need them to clean up that nose faucet that leaks all day at your desk.