Chasing Butterflies

It’s easy for me to pretend to be happy with where I’m at, to not want for more.

Things I want, that require change, terrify me.

I go out of my way to maintain a routine. Routine is good for things like exercise, learning a new skill, or getting your child to sleep. Routine is bad when it’s the crutch that keeps you from moving forward and doing the things that give you butterflies.

When I was younger, I was better at taking risks, speaking up, and throwing things at the wall to see if they stick.

Then I found a serious relationship, got a grown up job, got married, bought a house, and had a baby. Life got busy and complicated. I got tired. Routine was my life raft, and I clung to it because it made me feel safe. It also made me feel a little empty.

I was enjoying my life as a SAHM. I thought (or hoped) spending my days with my little one would be enough long term. But as we approached the one year mark, I started to feel restless.

It seemed to be fate that I came across the MKE Moms Blog post looking for contributors. I really really wanted to apply so much so that a little bit of my soul started fluttering when I thought about it, but I couldn’t do it.  

I was paralyzed for days.  

Instead of dusting off my writing skills, I sat staring inert at the application webpage. I felt helpless and afraid. What if I applied and didn’t get it? Why did I need more? Did I even have anything to say?

I had no idea that I was riddled with so much self-doubt. Somehow over the course of a year, I lost my confidence. I guess all of that food wearing, toy picking up, and diaper changing can get a girl down. There’s also the invisibility factor of being a new mom, being pushed into my child’s shadow.

With the website, I had a chance to make a change. I had nothing to lose. I knew this. So, after a glass of wine, which induced what I call a “safety buzz,” I started to write. Just like the wine, it flowed. When I read what I wrote, I liked it. Even the next day, I liked it. I was proud of it. My insides warmed and the flutter of excitement I felt inside intensified.   

I hit the submit button. I waited. I doubted. I pretended to not care.

Then I got the email that I made it through the first cut. I felt giddy. When I got the second email welcoming me to the Contributor Team, I called everyone I knew.

I walk with more confidence now. I’ve met some amazing women who are doing some incredible things. I feel like I’m part of something great. I’m happy and full in a way that I wasn’t before. I got so caught up in being a mother and wife that I forgot I could also be a woman with dreams and goals.  I can’t be afraid of these dreams and goals as they don’t define me. They compliment me and give me dimension. My life has gone through seasons and I’ve finally moved back into spring. I’m feeling renewed and recharged.  

Ladies, don’t get stuck in the deep freeze of winter fear. Find your spring and chase those butterflies.

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One Response to Chasing Butterflies

  1. Mandy
    Mandy August 17, 2017 at 10:09 am #

    I’m so glad you hit the submit button, Jaclynn!

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