Unless you have only just joined the realms of the Internet this past week, you’ve probably heard of the Diva Cup by now. It’s a replacement for your average tampon or pad during your period.
The Diva Cup is special because it’s reusable, good for the environment, great for your down-under because you’re not inserting chemical-filled tampons, and above all, can last up to 12 hours before you empty it out. You insert your Diva Cup into your vagina, and *poof* like magic, it catches all the blood and you’re free to go about your normal life with no one the wiser.
This past month I’ve had many conversations with my friends about it. A few of them tried to convince me this is the way to go. Intrigued by the concept, I decided to get one and try it out. I have such a heavy flow that I can go through a super tampon every 2 hours during my heaviest days. Anything that will save my underwear and sanity is worth a shot. So I went to the store and purchased a Size 2 Diva Cup because apparently the Size 1 is only for those who have not birthed or for those with young, nublie lady parts. Since I certainly did not fit either of those descriptions, I opted for the former.
Once I got it home, things went a bit off the rails. What follows are the actual messages sent between myself and a friend who, though they shall remain anonymous, I truly hope knows we are now bound for life by blood. (See what I did there?)
The Diva Cup Chronicles
Friend: I have a serious question. Is the Diva Cup diswasher safe? #askingforafriend
Me: Did you get one??!!
Friend: I almost did, but then got offended by the sizing.
Me: I got one! I got the old and stretched out kind. This is BIG. This is supposed to fit WHERE?
Me: No joke. I’m on the toilet try to rotate this thing 360 like the directions say to.
Friend: Maybe you got the wrong size?
Me: I got the old and stretched out vagina size. I’m starting to feel good about my vagina. Perhaps it’s younger than it looks.
Friend: OMG. HAHA.
Me: It’s in! I got it! I’m doing squats to ensure it doesn’t fall out. This is comfy. Definitely more comfy than a tampon. I keep doing Kegels to try to feel it.
**20 minutes later**
Friend: Has it fallen out? Can you feel it? I’m tempted to get one now.
Me: Well, it hasn’t fallen out yet. I don’t feel it. We’ll see how it goes when I empty it out. My worst days are over, which may be a good thing because I have my nice jeans on today and don’t need to look like I butchered an animal. It’s THICK. I guess I imagined a thinner thing going up there, but it’s thick. Seriously amazed it fit in there.
Friend: Is it big??
Me: Wider than anyone I’ve ever been with.
Friend: OMG, haha. How did you fit it in? Did you fold it?
Me: Yes, you fold it in and shove it up there. But it doesn’t rub like a tampon.
**2 hours later**
Me: OMG. It’s lost. The cup is lost in my vagina. I went to pee and check on it, and I can’t feel the tip. I’m sitting on the toilet right now trying to find it. I’m half crying and half laughing. THE CUP IS LOST IN MY VAGINA. I mean, what do I do? WHAT DO I DO?
Friend: Grab the kitchen tongs! Are you sure you put it in? Are you sure you didn’t take it out? Cuz I’ve definitely felt around looking for a tampon only to remember I took it out.
Me: Good Lord. I have never in my life gotten something stuck in my vagina and simultaneously messaged someone while looking for it.
Friend: Check your pants. Check the toilet.
Me: I found it. I also gave myself a pap doing it. I washed it and put it back in. It’s much easier the second time around. Guess my vagina is more stretched out than I thought it was. Sad.
All in all, I like this cup. It’s much easier than a tampon when you get the hang of it. I’m still not sure what to do in public, but I’m reminded that it can stay in place for 12 hours. If I empty it before I leave the house, I should be fine. I’m not looking forward to my period, but I am curious how it will hold up to my heaviest days.