Oftentimes lately, you can find me away in my own world. Daydreaming and silently pondering every decision I’ve made over the past 10 years. And I can’t stop this constant reel that plays over in my head: Is that what I always pictured my life looking like?
My head is often flooded with thoughts of how my life should be or should look.
By all standards, I have a wonderful life. An awesome husband who is totally committed and loyal, two healthy children who were produced by two normal and easy pregnancies, a brand new home, and a little business I built from the ground up. Great, right? So, why can’t I stop questioning everything?
It sounds ridiculous, I know it does. I tell myself every day that all my decisions have led me here, so what is there to really regret? And it’s not so much that I regret past decisions, it’s more curiosity. All the “what if’s” and wondering if I really did things right.
When I was a kid, and a grown-up told me they were in their 30s, I would think “whoa, that’s really old.” And now here I am. I am that old grown up. How the hell did that happen so fast? I certainly don’t feel old (although I do have a bad back, and gray hairs dominate), and it makes me wonder how I missed all these years flying past my window.
As a young person, I didn’t really think of my life being so normal when I got older. Being a grown-up was supposed to be super fun and full of adventures and doing whatever you wanted. Is everything laid out for me now? Are there no more surprises in my life? It’s these things that make me wonder if this life I’m living all I had hoped for.
Of course, the grass is always greener on the other side.
It’s something I have to remind myself of all the time. One topic my husband and I have been talking a lot about lately is moving out of state. We just a built a house a couple years back, and even though it’s great, we now wonder if we picked the right place to settle down. Things aren’t quite how we expected them to be, and it’s been weighing on us. Of course, we aren’t going to uproot our family now, and it would financially irresponsible to sell our house. But, we still talk about it and wonder if we made the right decision. However, if we would have moved somewhere else, would we be regretting that too? The grass really is always greener.
So, I guess it’s all ok. I know I shouldn’t worry about what could have been. But I also am not going to feel guilty about wondering if I made all the right moves. Every decision in life has a different path attached, and I think it’s normal to wonder where those other paths may have led you. What’s important is to not let it consume you. I know that I’m where I’m supposed to be, and I should make the most out of it.