TRUE LIFE :: My Husband and I Don’t Have Sex

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This post is part of a series called the True Life Series, where we share stories written by Milwaukee area moms, but posted anonymously. By and large, these stories are more sensitive in nature or cover topics that may be triggers for some readers. Publishing the piece does not suggest an endorsement by MKE Moms Blog.

However, we want to give these writers the chance to share their stories in a safe space, in the hopes that someone else might resonate and realize they are not alone. Topics in the True Life Series are likely to draw a lot of opinions, but we want to be clear that, out of respect for the writers of these pieces, we will be monitoring comments carefully and deleting anything that is shaming, hurtful, derogatory or otherwise abusive. 

My Husband and I

My husband and I have a sexless marriage.

I know exactly how many times we’ve had sex since we married. I know because we named those times. It’s easy because each time we’ve had sex since marriage, it’s resulted in a child.

We only have two kids. Two times having sex since we got married.

We’re not newlyweds. We’ve been married a LONG time. My husband is just not into sex – not with me, not with himself, not with others. He doesn’t have fantasies. He doesn’t look at porn or visit strip clubs. There isn’t another woman. He has literally zero libido.

It’s taken a long time (and several arguments and tears), but I’ve come to terms with it.

I’m okay not having sex with my husband.

It wasn’t always like this. When we dated, our “activities” were pretty normal, at least a few times a week. But after getting married, and the pressure of stressful careers with lots of travel and later the needs of our children, he just didn’t need or want it.

In the early days, I blamed myself, and I tried to get him more interested. Lingerie. Nights out. Dirty talk. Nothing.

He went to the doctor, at my request, and tried prescription testosterone to see if it would help. It didn’t.

When he’d ask what I wanted for my birthday or Christmas, my response was “sex.” But inevitably, something would come up. We’d drink too much or plans would drag out too late or we were just too tired or there was a work-related deadline.

Sex just didn’t happen.

After several years (and a lot of frustration), I took things into my own hands. When he asked what I wanted for my birthday one year, I told him I had it handled. I purchased my first “toy.”

My “toy” collection has grown since then, while sex with my husband continues to be nonexistent. He’s okay with knowing that I can entertain – and satisfy – myself.

And I’ve become comfortable knowing that I can take care of my own needs.

Only a few friends know about my sexless marriage situation, and I don’t think they understand. But my husband and I agreed to “for better or for worse,” and we hold our marriage vows sacred.

Still some may wonder why I stay if I’m not getting what I need in the bedroom. That’s an easy one: 

He’s a good husband and father.

Intimacy is more than sex. We kiss and hold hands. We’re partners in every sense of the word. We’re just not having sex.

I love him. And we’re (overall) happy together.

Sexless marriage isn’t what I envisioned for myself all those years ago as I committed to sharing my life with him, but we found a way for it to work for us. Marriage is about finding solutions and making it work, as long as everyone is happy in the relationship.

For better or for worse. 

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2 Responses to TRUE LIFE :: My Husband and I Don’t Have Sex

  1. Karen Whitaker August 13, 2016 at 3:08 pm #

    I just read “my husband and I don’t have sex.” I could have written it myself. What a relief to know there’s someone out there who shares this same situation. We’ve been married for almost 30 years, and the last 20 years have been mostly celibate. Not by my choice. I’ve never strayed and have remained faithful even though my sexual needs are never met. We have so much else that is great. I had to come to terms and honor my marriage vows no matter what. Thank you so much for sharing your story.

  2. Seriously? August 21, 2016 at 8:37 am #

    Ever consider an open marriage? In my view you have every right to have sex with a human. Vibrators are great and by all means great whether or not you are in a sexual relationship, but if your husband doesn’t want sex and you do, you should be able to have a sexual relationship with another living breathing person.

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